Perhaps the most significant bit of advice I’ve given to other attorneys came up yesterday. It wasn’t so much about lawyering though, as it was about law office management. It popped up in the New York Times story of NYS Assembly Leader Sheldon Silver and his investment in Counsel Financial, a funding company for personal injury attorneys.

The advice stems from the fact that this company even exists. Funding companies are, as some lawyers learn the hard way, the last resort of accessing capital to stay afloat until cases taken on contingency get disposed of. Double digit interest is the norm.

And the problem exists because those that need the funds have been turned down by their bank for a traditional line of credit with much lower interest rates. Why turned down? Probably because they are now on hard times. The very reason they need the money is the very reason for the bank rejection. Banks don’t want to lend money to those in distress. They want to lend it to people who are flush; those that don’t need it.

So my advice is simple. If things are going well, get your line of credit. Now. Don’t wait until you need it. Because then you’ll be stuck borrowing from the lender of last resort.

After our spirits were crushed when our little Ben & Jerry’s birthday video was banned, I decided to follow up with an email for the reason. So here is the reason they gave us:

They claim their lawyers wouldn’t approve it. I kid you not. Here is the direct quote from the email I received from their marketing department:

While we appreciated it internally (and we did), there is no way our legal team would have allowed that one to go through.

Now that would be totally nuts. Except that Totally Nuts is already in the Graveyard of dearly departed flavors, so it must be something else.

I also note that it doesn’t appear to violate any actual contest rule. (Ben-Jerrys-VideoRules.pdf) So I followed up, wanting to know, did the lawyers really look at our video?

And the answer was, apparently not. It wasn’t a lawyer that sent us into the freezer, but concerns that a lawyer might do so in the future. From email number two:

It would have had to pass by Legal in order to be considered a top ten finalist. I’ve worked here for ten years and I know it would not have passed.

Again, no rule violation. Just a concern that maybe there would be a lawyer without a sense of humor, because in a third email I was told it might have “inappropriate content.”

Now Ben Cohen and Jerry Greenfield sold out in 2000 to Unilever, a massive conglomerate. We don’t begrudge them the money they made from building the company and pursuing the Americone Dream. But it appears that what’s good for the goose doesn’t work for the gander, as our own dreams of fame and glory have been obliterated before our eyes.

If we were shot down by lawyers we could understand that. Sometimes it’s the lawyers’ job to be wet blankets. But the marketing department? What in the name of Cherry Garcia is going on here?

Marketing people are supposed to be the kind of folk who push the limits. Creative souls. Not fearful little bunnies, afraid of their own shadows. Let the lawyers be Vanilla. The marketing people should be Wavy Gravy mixed with Wild Maine Blueberry, willing to go the Full VerMonty served with Nutty Waffle Cone.

It’s now clear that this contest is little more than a travesty of a mockery of a sham of a mockery of a travesty of two mockeries of a sham. If you’re as upset at our family is you can whine, belly-ache and complain to [email protected].

And does anyone know a good ice cream lawyer?

I hate to do this. I like Ben & Jerry’s. The whole family does. We consider the boys extra brothers to the clan. If you cut us, we bleed Chocolate Fudge Brownie. Those are my folks to the right on one of our visits to the factory on a Vermont family vacation.

So when we made a little 30 second video for their 30th Birthday Video Contest, we expected it would be received with a sense of gratification, as it clearly demonstrates what the ice cream means to us. Not shock and awe, mind you, but at least a smile.

But alas, it was rejected. Rejected! Why? Due to “inappropriate material.” Apparently, we shocked.

First, it’s hard to believe they would refuse to post a video on their site that has inappropriate material given that about half the videos are already inappropriate, since they have kids in them and kids aren’t allowed by the rules. (Hey, Turkewitz, take off your damn lawyer’s hat and get back to your video!)

Second, is this what happens when a happy-go-lucky little ice cream company gets swallowed up by a giant conglomerate? It tries to show it has a sense of humor with a send-us-your-video gig, and then falls on its face? What would Ben say? What would Jerry say? They’d be rolling over in their graves at what has become of their beloved company, were either of them dead. Brothers, can you help us out here?

We coulda been stars. We coulda been somebody. That should be plural, but now I’m on a roll. We coulda been stars of the internet, instead of being woefully off-topic on this crummy little law blog where no one will ever find us.

As I was saying, and I know by now you are wondering where the hell the video is already, there doesn’t seem to be anything inappropriate about a little BJ. That’s Ben and Jerry, for the acronym challenged. But you can decide for yourself the appropriateness of the 30 second video that follows, for its Karamel Sutra flavor I should note, that has been:
BANNED BY BEN & JERRY’S!

Film and editing credit goes to my screenwriting brother Dan (whose own operatic Ben & Jerry’s birthday wish was accepted) and script credit goes to my co-star and roommate.

Wait! There’s more!!! What would a couple of movies be without their outtakes? First from my brother’s film where I try hard to knock the ice cream off the cone, and then from our own video. Here they are:

Update: Ben & Jerry’s Fear of Lawyers Kills Video Submission (7/30/08)